Brother, Let Me Be Your Servant

How do you distill the life and death of someone incredibly special down to only ten minutes? This post comes from my husband, who was charged with this difficult task on Wednesday. I hope that his words encourage changes that are needed in your life, show how hope is possible even in the midst of deep grief, and let you see a little bit of the Russ we all loved so much.

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My brother Russ took his own life on Saturday, September 30^th. The following is based on the words I spoke at his celebration of life. You can watch the whole celebration here. I hope you will watch it all, but should you not, at the least tune in for the last three minutes, where my brother’s widow Angela, who should have been a puddle of tears, addressed everyone. I’ve never seen anything like it in all my life.

Russ was a godly, nerdy, kind, loving sinner saved by grace. He was the firstborn, and it showed. Allow me to demonstrate his personality with the following comic strip he once texted to me.

Indeed, Russ was the king of control freaks.  His sense of humor was an amalgam of Calvin and Hobbs, Monty Python, the Babylon Bee, and of course, Lord of the Rings. Allow me to share just a few of the things we texted:

He was funny (not as funny as me), but not to be trifled with. Five or six years ago we had an internet fight because I made fun of one of his childhood pictures and informed him that he was a tool, so he proceeded to in just a matter of minutes post all of the most embarrassing pictures of me from my childhood that I really had no idea even existed. I have to believe that he had a dropbox folder already prepared with these photos – “in case of internet fight with Korey break glass” or something like that. Being the second born and unprepared for such an onslaught, all I could do was listen while my secretary laughed so hard she cried – this all happened in the middle of the school day, you see. Here is the full exchange for your viewing pleasure.

So yeah, needless to say I never picked a facebook fight with Russ again.

He texted me this a few days later:

So I repented in dust and ashes.

Russell was the kind of person that was just stupidly helpful. One summer when he was working at Philmont Boy Scout Ranch in the mountains of New Mexico, some jack wagon of a dude needed help getting from some camp way up in the mountains. So my brother, being the kind soul he was, drove his 1998 Camaro that rode 4 inches off the ground up the mountain roads, got him, and brought him back to base camp. I’m not sure how much it cost to fix the damage to the undercarriage, but it was significant.

That’s just who he was.

He was crazy about his wife, Angela. I’ll never forget how happy he sounded on the phone – you could just hear the elation in his voice – when he told me she had been dumb enough to agree to marry him and he asked if I’d be his best man. I’ve never seen him happier than on the day they got married.  It’s one of my favorite memories, just watching the two of them be madly in love.

He had four beautiful kids that he loved deeply: Caedmon, Bryson, Coventry, and Grayson. They are all pretty close in age, and there was a stretch there where it seemed like Angela was never not pregnant. He was fond of saying, “All I have to do is look at her and ‘bam!’ she’s pregnant again.”

 I remember at the hospital, the day Caedmon was born, Russ was standing there holding him with this goofy smile on his face and he looked at me and said, “I love him! I just love him! He hasn’t done anything but poop a couple of times, and I just love him!” He felt the same way about all his kids – he just loved them. He loved them so, so much.

More than even his wife or his kids, Russ loved the Lord. He was serious about his faith and gave countless hours helping to plant the Trails Church in Celina where he was a member and elder.

He believed the Bible – all of it. He believed what Jesus said to Martha in John 11: “Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

Do you believe that?

Russell did.

I recognize that all of this begs the question – if he loved God and his wife and his kids and his church so much, why did he take his life?

Do you remember the scene towards the end of The Return of the King where the burden of the ring has weighed Frodo down to the point where he couldn’t go on?

“Come Mr. Frodo!” he cried. “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you!”

And Sam picked him up and bore him up the mountain on his back.

Russ was good at bearing other people’s burdens – but he failed to let other people carry his. He needed help, but he was proud, and didn’t get it. And that was a sin.

When I got over the initial shock after my Mom called me and told me what happened, words can’t describe how angry I was. Between then and Monday morning, I went between tears of sorrow and tears of rage. But on Monday morning, God reminded me of this scripture:

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

So I wept. And I forgave my brother.

You might argue, “He doesn’t deserve to be forgiven!” You are correct – and that’s the point! That is the point of the gospel. None of us deserve to be forgiven. We all deserve the wrath of God. But in the gospel, in Christ, we get the opposite of what we deserve. Instead of wrath, we get grace, because of Jesus’ death on the cross.

So I ask that you too, if you knew Russell, would forgive him, as I hope Christ has forgiven you.

And if Christ hasn’t forgiven you, if you haven’t put your trust in him, let today be the day you believe in his name.

Russell believed a lie for about 30 seconds. And so I beg of you, don’t believe the next lie. Mom, Dad, Angela, kids, friends: don’t believe the lie that Satan is going to whisper in your ear that somehow it’s your fault. Because it isn’t.

He hid his depression. He shouldn’t have. And I have no doubt that Christ has forgiven him, and that he is at this moment in the presence of his Savior that he worshipped.

Brothers, let’s talk. If you are struggling with depression, if you have had thoughts of taking your own life, you need to repent of your pride and get help. Jesus got help when he asked Peter, James, and John to stay up with him in the dark night of the soul at Gethsemane. Frodo got help when Sam carried him up the mountain. And you must get help if you are harboring suicidal thoughts. Please, I beg you, do it today.

“Brother let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you. Pray that I may have the strength to let you be my servant too.”

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2.

On behalf of my whole family, I want to express our deepest gratitude to everyone for the incredible outpouring of love and support that you have shown to us all. Over 680 people came to Russell’s celebration of life, and I want to thank everyone who did so, some flying hundreds of miles to honor my brother. So many people have texted and called and given and, most of all, prayed. Your prayers are sustaining us, and I ask that you continue to pray for Angela, the kids, my mom and dad, my sister, and myself. Thank you so much, and God bless you all.